Sunsets by the sea ... Or the thundering waves crashing the cliff tops ...

... getting in my van at a whim with myself or others, to the coast is a distant memory past ... re-awoken recently with trying out a new method of sketch and paint ... I have memories from all those seasons spent near the coast ... 

Swimming in coves off the beaten track at the height of the holiday season. Travelling a bit further round the coast to another special place in the middle of the off peak time, with the stormy seas and the swells of the boisterous waves, so high you can almost feel the mist of water from them. We naturally have a respect for the slippery coast paths, standing well back ... on these beautiful terrains ... Enjoying the sun sets or the misty seas depending on the season ...

Fading Time

My husband is now eternally at his age . The first thing of note to our daughter that she would not seen him grow old. And. I have regressed, to being a very mischievous person at times. I try to keep to the boundaries of life. I am less serious now. It is as though the sense of fun of those that have gone is flowing through to help make sense of things in a jestful way.

olor

trickling back in this life here, along with the kitchen not being so bleak and wondering when I an going to get to restore a dressing table, with some homely paint techniques to make the bedroom more inviting again. Let alone for the whole homes having  a more inviting ambiance to restore the mood ... so lost ...

There was a messy mind

Where once it was hard to find

Anyone with a heart kind

After those that hound

And not to understand

When a mind does sink low

And they become slow

Hence kind deeds goes far

Whence life feels less of a star

In those of a low par

To trust in those who found

Doodling and Using

Today was another mixed bag of emotions, as I attempted another day of tasks to get nearer to my destination. I am thinking as I go along ... 'How did that happen?' and 'Why did I do that?'

I used to be a perfectionist. Now I use images that are blurred or doodles to create an effect in my logs, to show how even that inspires this mind. To jog it into gear. A mind so scarred. I wonder of I do make sense at times. And of the world around me.

in the crux of life now

between the clutter left to sift through, of those things, only the best of the thought through mass clearance of one person, who was given the task to clear the home. Little was taken into account of some of my wishes, and absolutely no thought of our daughter, who had just started her first year at university.

And the way my life, should be now operating. It is set at my pace which is good. The obstacles are large and daunting running the past, and the now, along with the future. How does one put one foot in front the other? ... And where to start? was with me for a long time ... the dilemma. I am still getting through, what was literally ... pulling the rug out from under me ...

• Finances
• Living Environment
• Stocking up the home again

1. Food
2. Clothes
3. Toiletries
4. Cleaning Essentials

• Replacing ... items ...

1. Fridge Freezer
2. Iron 
3. Ironing 
4. Saucepans

etc etc etc ...

• Routines
• Structures
• Avoid Repetitions
• Paperwork on Death
• Health
• Environments
• Social Skills
• Communicating
• Trusting
• Learning with and on the new devices ... Sister passed on ... 
• Learnings from the Failings at local resolution meetings

This does not even touch what was involved and still ongoing; assumptions and re-establishing my pattern in life ...

Thankfully ... now ...

In the last months of Dad's life we discussed all my options ... he would be pleased that my art portfolio is establishing itself with the devices given to occupy me within ... and along with ...

• Communications
• Paperwork
• Paying Bills
• Games
• Photos
• Apps
• My Calendar
• Reminders
• Reading
• Blogging
• Budgets
• Crafting
• Free online Patterns 
• Research
• And so much more ...

This is the pros of such devices and the electronic world ... it saves physically clutter ... but the cons and it still lines the pockets of all those things that can irritate me ... these are some of my conflicts ...  and the costs you think you save in the physical sense ... and time ... with not clearing and recycling and shredding etc ... You pay for data and other hidden costs ... ink if you need a hard copy. And then there are the 'How did I do that moments?' on those things that need electric to run ... 

A solar panel would be good on our devices ... I like my solar powered calculator ... And we once had a wind up radio for emergencies like being on flood warning alert ...

Many Moons have passed ...

since the time I became free of a mind to the consequences that a cluttered environment can bring. Pneumonia. This is only one tiny strand, of a complex set of circumstance leading to the death of our loved one. 

We have had many things said; we have been judged, and in some or most cases not, before, during and since. We have charted our thoughts, experiences and more in emails, blogs and logs, letters and more. And dealt with it in our different ways. We are currently awaiting some more outcomes .

Each day I evolve backwards and forwards, up and down, in and out of past, present, and future, I have wanted to be with my husband too, since that day he passed from us.

We have continually written, put in verse, taken a photo journal in still and moving images. We have tried to collate our thoughts as we move through the mystery of the mind.  

The ripples of shock waves on the way we had been left to live, let alone how one of us was left to die, for me, the tragic and devastating death, that finally ended that unimaginable time ... to all family friends acquaintances and more ... left a indelible imprint on their minds ... to this day ...