December in winds

blown ... 

Snapchat in Twitter on FaceTime 

The more reason

in my distress today ... a build up of much in time, in time, in time upon time. The fact that you work harder when you are ill. The keeping on top of simple functions and moving into what ever is normal 

The fact in fact of not being disturbed at times to do distressing stuff ... The way I have so much retorts in my simple gestures of stating difficulties never quite always understood... 

I understand their time constraints and workloads and not getting it at times ... it just be good to have the package of care that was supposed to happen with a ***** at ****** that was finally put in place too late ... and did not continue ...

It is something I am now going to get in motion ... I have been patient too too long ... 

The clear in the

night ... a time in tome

The volume in which I havin much to debate and decide

Time a ticking ... 

In this vast swathes of conflicts that muscled in life from death 

well into November ...

loads a birthdays, my own little country to city to Kent shindig ... spilling into today ... the treats go further with the one ... and a personal remembrance of Mum's elder sister who'd we spent a lot of time with, living across the border in North DEVON... 

It was here we loved too, Appledore, Northam, Bideford, Barnstaple, Clovelly were just some of the places spent on time out. 

.... her funeral taking place with the advent candles adorning the service .... she passed the same year my father in law and a god father and a Canadian Auntie who all it was time to say farewell ... one after t'other, two of whom which we travelled to say goodbye for the final time .... in the year 2001 ... 

... three out of four was to pesky cancer ...

                                             ...we have said a lot of them final goodbyes

And a tiny piece of

a complex puzzle getting slowly in place with part of those Resumes one needs to announce how good one is, completed ... I still cannot believe I have all those forms and CVs ready for an informal interview ...

It started informally last year with a introduction to various tasters. I will probably have a look at the training days for next year again to fill in more gaps in making use of those opportunities that are around ... one of them being in customer services from our feed back last year ... 

And the more formal exams ... giving me a boost I might just be able to do things again .. when I have me doubts ? 

I might even attempt furthering the informal first aid to a certified one or accredited I still getting my head round all the terms. I found it difficult though with lack of strength last year. 

The complex intermix

of the complexities I lived with, not studied. The irony in a path only I know. The layman living on observations. The specialist knowledge lacking. The common sense kicked in. It takes years to specialise, and gain respect in standing. The ones who juggle private with NHS. The cost of this bit of info or paper. And some who do much in the other hours. Those who do actually give their resources are there, somewhere. And some who are also serial killers in practice within the community, or pretend to qualify, in the days of less rigorous requirement... 

I have looked at much. I will not find answers. Not everything is believable. The hope of those who quietly in their vocations seek innovative ways within their role, are the ones I will always appreciate. Those that get the care in the community by those dedicated to their speciality and evolving ways in making it improve for those encased in much and different, what I experienced first hand. 

The way I seek and strive with the responsibility these positions hold. I am still in conflict with. Do I want to know these fields and assist others in their innovations. Or go in a different direction ... completely....? 

And no matter what is said. You do get seen quicker with luxury, in this industry of work. My husband too witnessed much with staff conversations in care, that which I cannot go into, and that on a different level more recently. My mum has the same degenerative disease as my sister in the bones. Who has had all the recent many joint ops? Another one forthcoming at Christmas. An observation from not just me! And it is not just the age thing.... or the performance rating time boundaries either ... 

Thy journey

far where the mind went ... 

The laughter, escapades, triggers, exasperation. The images captured in flicking through for a screenshot of a form to submit in attachment to get the required assistance ... stunning in looking back. This reminds me I can achieve in those times of doubts and reflections that do shine back good in bad ... 

A Road not

travelled awhile. Those pictorial journals in recovery. The periodic I cannot quite believe what I have been able to experience again. Those especially in first awhile moments. 

The tech to simplify in simplicity in the catch up of those images. The beauty of the sea green scapes or a rubble of concrete buildings. It has been a joy to capture. The sensational feelings in seeing them over and over. It is more than the wow factor ... 

The images in close up too. The summer greens or arid brown. The tulips or bluebells. Or a bed of summer flowers. The Autumnal golds.The silver winter mists. The unexpected shots. And the ones in my Mindscape never captured in still or move in sound... 

The sunsets, the stars that are hard to see with the urban orange glow. The moon in wonder and awe in the misty inky clouds... 

Where did I go in that time away from such life? 

A recipe in mixture

and the fresh ingredients required. A system in time formulating. A CV to polish off. The clutter to sweep away in the space to bake. The sensible order in which to do it all. 

The much needed slow rest in this morning. A pick me up. A little shopping. A little clearing. A little baking. A little paperwork. A little big bath. An evening cosied up with treats and a good programme to transport and be elsewhere for a few hours. 

Who says we are lonely in loss. I have plenty to keep occupied. The flip of the coin. Compulsive hoards in too much. The mind can overload ... in the occupy ... 

The conflicts and misrepresentation of how one copes ... beyond grief .. the few in the know who do know how busy I keep ... when and where I can ... in this muddle ... 

Reinforced Routines

the personal rota of much less ... 

The new routine of deleting the inbox and files 

The cumbersome head busting time today. 

I now have a 30 ish day countdown to pastures different again. The reminder on the calendar, when I remember in the first place to pick up the tickets at the rail station. The print off of the coach, one. The juggle of health, season, time with others, The paperwork. The budget keeping. Alongside swift removal and change again in the inside ambiance. And the better ease in all the usual housework. The dust busting and bashing out the unusual ... 

Solutions in solutions

... the seemingly never ending ones  ... one home, one room and now mine with a scattering in a Cheshire new home set up, and a Cornish study and workshop ...  

The recovery in travel to get there. The learn to leave it at a point in various guises, to have a bit of a life. 

It is not always in the right measures. I seem to achieve more outings when not tied to or distracted by much here 

More forays

into getting familiar with things again .... and not like that! Whether I be back in it or not remains to be seen. My thoughts are lost in time. They are now ghosts in wisps. 

Today is another example. I am here, but not!

The step out on the concrete

after some hibernation time. The dark in evening of the commuters passing through the town ... A scattering of the youth on half term ... 

That was the time of day I did a bit of a shop. A day in undress. The gumption to put on clothes and get out ... albeit in the evening ... when the self scan closes down about 7pm this end of town. The doors too this end close at 9pm ... 

The clockwork time of a twenty four hour store where the lights go down. One security guard at the other end of town. And the stock on pallets come out, all at 9. 

And after another time only the self scans are operational for checking out. The different times I have shopped in this recovery. And many more do so at the festive season soon too ... 

How, What. When and Where

an alluring time in a disjointed time. It escapes you at the best of time. A piece of the personal timeline out of kilter. The lost time grained in the rings of visions hallucinating the blurs further ... 

A world

in a world of none and noose in invisible. The place I knew I be at one time back. That all in thinking I doing what I do. It is good to shake off a hot bed of indelible time. The inky blue instead of the pitch dark. A pinkier time instead of bull red. 

An air of difference within my personal world. And that besides being *** I was minding my own in a different town despite the fact of wearing both wedding bands got chatted up. I must be looking more where I blend in to life again. 

Aside the fact; I talk to thyself. And amuses oneself too.

And the films I tend to watch are monological and alone in space and with a lot of miming ! 

The me and myself of others in stories true and fictional. The conversations with themselves just as I do in clearing the space, here in Kernow and keeping it clear in guidelines in the North too. My family often hear me talking or chuckling away to thyself and in my sleep too .... 

''Tis 6am

the time in slow movement of a world outside ... the jiggle in thy mind of where to start today,, the perpetual just select some tasks ... somewhere 

I tend to find I am taken completely off task, though somehow even in the turmoil created there is mire in enlightenment 

Memories my Mum recounted on thy time last together on being up in the air, among what astronauts see of our planet earth. The more recent aerial photos too of a daughter in the clouds on her flight in the summer. The magnificent memories and photos and the newly formed contact with life again serves to remind me of much 

The fluffy white clouds

in the horizon yet again on a journey taken. The walks out on sunny or cloudy with shower days. The showers rarer than usual. The stride in steps recorded in motion. The days now reminded in still if I care to look at an app or not! 

The supermoons in articles that give dates far in the future. The palindrome in writings and words. The readings in much more varied and interesting. The inroads back to medical and science innovation reads with a bit more earnest again. The gusto in waves of degrees to maybe study ? 

The conflicts of study or work in experience. The pilgrimage outside the home absorbing me right now, 

The current trend with a time in celebrations travel to end a year in more moot change of light 

Sunny Steps taken ..

... today ... in dark thoughts of 1999 ... when a Mum had a mastectomy... 

.. to a breast screening appointment us woman have at the mobile unit parked in a leisure centre with memories of sports activities. In an area really well known once before ....  and of a family home once backing on to this very car park ... 

The sun shining on a walk in Steps recorded like big brother, where I have been, etc etc 

Now the await on those other results in outcome of the many check ups due  ... 

All these checks ups take quite a bit out of these weeks to come again ... 

The steps in walk

I do not waste much time in unnecessary. During a time I learnt to live without more ... the discerning in me lessened ... The brief look at my steps taken in record today ... 

Whilst out today I was quite taken with one of the many conversations around me  ... A young lad in Aldi told his Mum that their crisps did not taste as good. That is good for the amount of S*** in food that requires awareness early on ... 

Though with all the reading I have suddenly taken off with again, clean living can materialise into one  of the many different eating disorders. 

The read in OCD in its different forms like the opposite to hoarding has made for an interesting time ...  The balance in light is never quite right ... 

Hopes in slow

in much ... the transition in spruce en masse. The getting used to being without the hub ... the notifications different ...  The adjustment of planning I have changed to in the housekeep of the paper work not printed in hard copy into the new system of plans  ... deleting to catch up on the junk that can come in the inbox that slips the net when you unsubscribr. And if the tick box for no third party does not register etc etc etc ... 

The evoking and evolving time in using what I have available in my time without you ... I now getting a simple mobile system with much work still to do .. to transfer much in different ...

The beauty in the majority of it being whereever I am in my trots and cantors and ambles in all walks of my catch up life ... 

It will be even better when I get the further work on transferring the rest as I move through the reality clutter to it's various distributions 

My inner grit

in the float through numb and glum and a injured thumb. The place in this long process I am at now. The deaths, illnesses, sillinesses, celebrations, infections, stinky stank, my death wish while Dad was halting his., along the way. 

The time he was in a coma and fighting for his life one Spring and as he struggled on into the sunny Autumn day in the same year he did depart from us, The wish he had died then, before the further suffering and indignity cancer brings ... 

The regeneration in a

town very much needed in what already has been ruined by bad archecture in a tad ... The land owners view in its planning applications is horrendous...

The parts of the recent demolition of a building at the bottom of our road was saved for the important historical legacy at the local historical society ... a shame not a listed building ... the beautiful tower and stain glass window gone forever from public display  ... at least somewhere in the archive ... but will now be dusty ... 

The youth in a town kept from the boredom of the lack of amenities, now somewhat even more diminished again. They who did an amazing project on this town in a lottery funded film project ... on the hidden history of a town in a very positive light on until then a some what negative view in the domain ... of the very same town ...

I may have a messy mind; now a messy town too currently for now ... 

Fascinating in forlornly

a look out of attempts in life to fulfil the moments better The bittersweet conflicts of taking an interest in life from death ... This in friuitlessness feel ... The now rare times more fulfilling in some .. the zillion kisses of a breeze to the howling winds over the skin on walks about 

The best glow in tome on skin recently, and even the drizzle drops of rain showering on me in the misty rolls of steam rising over the trees and fields the spectrum of colour in counties once again experienced 

The wonder

disappearing in a wisp ... A dip day in mood drops and settle ... The time in task of knitting. The therapy in this not always hitting the mark these times ... 

Like so much supposed therapeutic tasks ... This passes one by deeply darkly and dankly beyond words 

Only those who been to the precipice have a tad of know ... 

A love ...

of change, except in context ...

.. when I am overwhelmed, we have to allow enough time to negate the aisles in the towns shops 

And it all feels squished in them already for the seasonal Halloween fireworks and the others 

And not just the revamped store 

The influx of greed season ... And mass unnecessary... 

The lure of toys, gadgets and more 

The clutter of gifts for a moment, then discarded 

The one thing never tossed aside 

the devices .... the majority of us glued to them ... 

I have been many places

today in thy mind ... into the dark regions of what I would actually like to say too. The thankful milliseconds in muc agitation ... and worries ... The scurry in tow ... The logic battling ... 

The layers in everything today ... the mind, work in tasks and the dust busting ... 

And of course yet another shopping trolley for distribution from the decisions slow in motion, though sift in flow, slow 

Fast forward

for a home back ... the far away mind of where is ... the parts changed, the parts to get gone and done  ...at least now once again I can get to the colder regions of the world ... without being a stowaway... 

The parts and bits most take for granted .. 

We are gradually seeing me expand out my insular world 

Only another post ill ... low to get through 

Drifting off

to sleep ... and the mind in turmoil and ideas ... 9/11 ... An iconic kiss ... the wider world with my inner ideas on much in such ...

The life of one where once we had a car ... I now work round the student way of travelling, not quite doing the mega bus yet ... 

The learning curve too where once was clutter ... now a utter to Siri or one the others and the virtual world listens ... and a good source of free in many laughters so ... 

The wade in OCD

fallout of another ... the remnants in echoes long after ... the brutal reality of the excesses of what others laugh or think is odd. The ooze continues in and on from leg ulcers, the groin and stomach region of the mental deterioration to physical health of another human being. One that was hounded into and beyond and reducing into a non recognisable character forever gone to me  ... 

I still have infections in flare ups from time indescribable 

The interesting talk with another doctor out the area ... proof in the silent point in mind ... 

Monday indifference

... again ...

A time not in plan; the story of recovery quandary...

the attempts to make the most of this time away from the demands on life ...

There are times many, when I feel whether I be back in that loop ... 

Another day of much to do ... but too much ado from the much to do ...

Classical in play

although not on the keyboard ... time in play of classical music including the 1812 Overture and Jesu, Joy of Man's Desring ... using the fingers on a tablet .... during the frustration of piecing a life back ...

The long hours still to face in the twists and turns of a life. The collection each time I head out in the various trips of removal. The removal in what one cannot see as well in what you can

The imprint left of toooooo much ... 

Appreciating...

the creativity of others ... the time in dank ... I am catching in time with the wonders of others works ...  the long evenings in the early day of mess in loss  ... the snuggle entrapped in those days in the distant from the motions of life that time ... the devastation some of us have at a younger age.. in a deep loss of love in no bounds ...

the next generation have a mixture of the romance in death and the cheese in what I say ... only I lived in what I experienced... And in turn in words ... until you experience love in loss does one get it ... 

The combination of

... much caught up again in a disarray of mess and mishap ... 

I had had a particular peculiar night ... I took time out and relaxed in best way I could ... until a terrific noise in the kitchen happened while I was elsewhere ... with trepidation I entered the room to find it smothered in safety glass. I had inadvertently left the hob on under a glass chopping board. It didn't like it of course. I am still not ready for much. This as much as I attempt. I am not ready for life  beyond yet ... 

... holiday movies ...

... giving restful moments ... 

particularly for a leg that is more usual in colour ... after a summer flare up in infection... That is most helpful in I can hope to attempt the walk long ... 

summer moments again

the enjoyment too in watching segments of the London 2012 ceremonies ... the inner glimpse from a daughters view with her peers in participating in her many roles as they did when if came here in schools aerial photos, museums Olympiad opportunities in projects using archived access etc. The performance participation in the ceremonies with those athletes and all those behind the scenes that had time for everyone involved, the Olympic torch and so much more with the various activities in local and county youth council ...

... it was the first Olympics this year too since our loved one perished, the realisation of much from that year and since...

fresh in bed

in linen change ...  a ritual for all but those who sleep elewhere or are elsewhere. What we stand in and lay in is a luxury when you not have. And for time shoes were not on thy feet and still I do not talk about the times not in lain. 

The amount of people who do not go along or up to bed. The amount of times talk skimmed my issues ... 

... Designs ... patterns …plot lines ...

... to have the environment not taking me away from my creativity would be the best gift to me ... however how it is ... The contending with the dreads, shakes and stresses while I work through not only the home  .... Tis those memories ... 

The turn around of life

back to life ... the jiggle juggle to swiftly make a home a home ... again ... 

The way we find our life works. The segments in place to enable us to live a fulfilling time. This is lost to me at moments. The functionality dribbles and spurts. The deceptions in decisions more in the coming days. The face off of my late husbands drawers in time stood still ... still tightly shut ... The need to remove this. 

The decisions on what not obviously to move with me. Then the less obvious... 

The fall into place

is a slippery task in progress. You work through and turn the corner only for something else. This in conversations plenty with strangers I have connected with...

Beyond the conversations in commadarie on train platforms one Monday morning in August. The train back home first attempt to board via Milton Keynes, then Stoke, then after several others, the quieter train advised by the guard, straight through to London Euston with no stops, we finally departed on. The busy time in delays backing up the business of passengers from A-B ... The stack of people building up this day ... It would have been a completely smooth journey. The good connections in tube with other train to home in lovely and quiet off peak. The going against the flow of tourists enjoying the holidays into the city ... on my journey out ... 

Reflections in rhythm

.. a Crewe summer love in move ... 

And not without a lot of pain in the main ... physical too as it turns out ... The look forward into times to decide the thoughts of action in the silent plans in this recpricol recovery in a new move of a child  ... 

Removal of the excess still floating in time physical from the influx of hounds in ill ... the ignorance of self and the last week in kill ... 

The design in decor and vocation and other ideas ... soft furnishings in luxury no less ... the colour in walls ... a bed of sheer bliss to it is ... the skin remedies in material and wash ... Laundry solutions now different ... The pick up of creative design in luxury of simple sleek and stunning to me in reduced requirements ... 

A time in listen

of others woes ... and worries ... especially this week we are in ... it is making me realise I am listening once again ... out of the mists of mires ... 

End of the day ...

... muddles ... end of maybe antibiotics killing off an infection ... I am not sure yet ... The totally baffling dilemmas I still face through other outlet releases although entranced with much at the season in time ... 

... the muddles in totally off the track post and the sweetest smelling bog discription...

My mind in far today

with more workmen ripping up the innards of my daughters home to come, all about me ... this so fundamental in what I am used to but so different in life now ... 

Taking off ... to

pastures different in much at the end of July into the Aujust of 2016  ... a Bon voyage ... A birthday in a different county once again after a very long time in social and disdainful isolation ... the recovery on from the death that changed events ... a new abode and a long awaited car after a daughter finally got to do her driving test ...

And today gardening ... a little patch of heaven in a daughters courtyard mini. All she needs for now with the working life ladies are expected to juggle ... 

This was at the bottom of a request list of a very special gift of time where able from a mum  ...It is scheduled earlier ... I needed some air today. I was unable to finish the start on some painting of a bedroom while they are out of the home and in another country for the first holiday holiday since her Dad passed away ... holidays consisted of much after the aftermath and various deaths of those close to a daughter ... 

The current course of antibiotics leaving me weak from attacking the skin infection on my leg. I am like my family around me, we are hard to keep still when unwell too. 

This not understood the effect that time in leaving me overweight and overwrought damaging all areas of my well being 

I was once an active athletic girl ... you would not know that after what most say they could never imagine being without who are insensitive to my needs ... 

When you are ground down after months of hounding you too would turn a back on life ... 

Others in agony ...

... for once I was strong enough to read others sorrow in much and many today ... behind the facade of life ... 

always in such and much and sometimes only either taking stock, or going through something like a emergency C section yourself, did a lot of women at that time, I never knew had had one themselves, Who came forward in their experiences. Those who did not have the hidden neat scar of today too. The way forward in progress in that operation alone, those many experiences ...

On the oncology ward and in a hospice, not the once either. Many times. And my own biopsies. The experience of few ... the commaradery of many ... 

Either silence, all knowledge without prompts or when you experience it yourself... 

smooth in the rough

in the focus to come back to the now ... the anger within that surfaces at times ... The trial through times. The look back, the experimenting with some new ways of editing those photos ... 

And at some stage, compiling into some virtual works of one kind or another ... rather like the physical photos ... those things we do not always get around to do. 

With the fairies today

all a muddle in thoughts ...This will not hold me back ... the annual bills of other than the tax year to review ... This is the first year since, I have taken more notice of these ... And of course still in the throes of some of those other necessaries. And the contractions in the words in confusion, for anyone.

The client

that I inadvertently became 

On another's time 

This is a very absorbing subject. There is much on this too. In my experience I have had a very varied time in the professional intimacy, beyond the words in those theory papers. 

It is no different to all those other medical appointments one has. The dentist who looks in your gob, breathing over you, albeit through a mask these days. The eye test where you can smell, what they had for lunch. Yes, a very interesting time indeed. 

Those testy moments on the first meet. The ones who lay the boundaries, before you utter a word. The ones who sit down in a more relaxed level with you. The old school, the bear hugs, asking permission first. The getting in a car with many different personnel at one point. 

That normality of getting in those different cars. One example of going to a place, to get out and about to have a pot of tea and sharing a plate of toast. And then the abnormality, in the high probability, in never seeing that person again. 

It was as surreal, as in my surreality. The passing of much in patronising, boundaries, the obvious, the silent, and more. The usual in that for their ways. For me a disjointed time in my own own social concept, lost in the muddle of a mess. The grappling with life back, that none could do for me. 

I had to do it myself. The connection with strangers, in one sided times, the going through the motions, so lost on so much ... 

And how do you connect to people who say they could never not drive. Or are so rigid. The passing of inadvertent words in times mad, sad and bad ... 

The worst when someone is elsewhere and they fade off into a world of indifference and not actually listening, within your time. 

The NHO used to have a side kick of a youngster on their training program, visit me.  They eventually did not shadow. They would be texting while a client poured out their heart. They were let go. 

The more time passes. The less I would like to do, what I originally thought of in a vocation. I am glad I did not rush into anything too, too soon. 

We are all capable of not listening or inadvertently saying something. The trouble now, I will know more how it feels. 

Muddled mind

these days last ... nothing entirely new in that ... only when you attempt life in anew, a bit of a fumble 

..a lovely sister and daughter with their new hair colour respectively, with a new classic bob style for daughter ... The classic style variation that a trade mark of mine ... consequently my own mum again remarking on how alike etc etc etc 

I was looking like my Mum's own Mum last Spring sitting waiting in a Cornish kitchen for a sister, to go out. I had on my red hat ... On first wearing that I too realise the reflection staring back at me was of my Nan ... she sat waiting with her hat on, too. 

The fact I am looking in a mirror to check my make up ... before going out to somewhere special ... that is progress. 

The basic make up I have gradually drawn together again from scratch ... The favourites in all those secrets I used to do ... the summer glow in the winter months ... my shimmers and shine where it be or not 

The hair decs myself ... over the years ... My accessories all in rotation until that part of life was squeezed out with it all 

My latest needle related pattern is a start back to my way of style ... the multi tasking while waiting for the updates or heavy traffic times on these devices ... The adjustment with daughter from one type to another ... I do love the hub on the old device ... 

I knit while awaiting things again ... A slinky top in cotton for summer, may be lined up. But first I am attempting the slink for the season next in its simplicity, it should be ready by then .

Mission on planet dozy ..

hem instead seam ... word check ... labels ... countless others too. The biggest impact is actually doing. For that alone is a goal in itself. 

The doing .... done ... and doing ... to do ... 

the familia motto ... 

Restoring ... restorative

reason in restlessness... It is quite understandable with the loss and change in life again ... the mass waves of grief major, compact in a short space of time ... Those well documented stages in grief ... I must be at the end of one ... In the middle of another and the start of the latest... 

And that is not including the natural feelings as the nest empties. The great chunks of time amiss. The ginormous gaps in documents that created a path of difficulty in life with paper and ID ... 

The flap of the letterbox

and yes it was the mischievous imps outside ... Their exploration in this that moves or echo through the pipes ... 

The behaviour outside no worse than mine ... especially in the early days when I was running wild ... now I am the one that looks out to those that come in ... smartly dressed or in casuals ... The doctors the nurses the support the ones who stay and chat the ones that fly before time, the ones who look noticeable. The ones who make an excuse for the use of the bathroom. The tread with care. The neighbours must think I am doing good business .... 

Thoughts turn

to travel again ... A destination sought to visit some place near Daughter on the next trip ... We are now striving for that catch up lost in something new each time ... be it cuisine, place or building ... Or a walk to explore further the beauty in the industrial bottle kilns of neighbouring counties ...

the circles

and mish mash of time in functioning worth of the paper confetti in my abode ...

Immersed and smothered

thyself in images, words, movies and my late husbands scents that are still available... Smell a potent memory let alone in deep loss of another who walked the moon for thou

Those suffer as we speak

... this time in time ... makes one grimace and smile all at once... 

Those who have not one person to care about them; could already tell you life is a shambles at times in this time of change for all 

a little away

with the fairies today...

The statement again from family banter; I must spend a lot of time with 'em 

The day after the Monday before ... 

The day a sister started the next recuperation phase of an operation, with the commencing of working from home ... This meant we caught up for an evening stroll out for  a gentle stretch of the legs along the riverbank. The various activities in the fact the park and playing fields are sited here. Tennis, cricket and bowls for starters. The same in any town, the runners and dog walkers, too. 

Dazzling boggle ...

in reflections of nature and unearthing inside the mind... a destination to plan of fathoming out those natural harbours, hamlets, coves, caves, falls and lagoons that have the brilliance of being in far off lands, hidden within the Kernow county. The insiders view to the beauty within our country, and indeed the places that mean much to me in not just my favourite county, the various pockets travelled in these lands here.

The knowledge from seasoned travellers and then my own experience. When you travel to over familiar landmarks, for example I have seen the magnificent photos of my late father trips afar. The flip side to tourism, lets say I would prefer off the beaten track. 

Just like our honeymoon, and many holidays of types. And again I am currently looking at places one would not think immediately as a destination. The adventure trying to emerge in the darkest recesses of a killed mind ...

Hard slog in days

certainly travelled afar ... without going out today ... a reprieve in my feet doing the work ... 

I was able to work in shift in busmans style holiday ... The mind boggling task of attempts in thy strategy ... 

Back to a church

no wedding this Saturday ... time with Dad again, this on his birthday ... the walk here in reverse, the light and views different. Time just with Mum today. My sis with her friends, one over from Australia who opted to live there. Their periodic catch up moments. 

A would be birthday

of our late Dad ... The last time here when he had just arrived home from hospital. Today it will be just be Mum and myself. My sister off on a trip with a friend from college days to meet a fellow friend over from down under ... 

a picture book photo

Where I am not ready for storytelling ... tales too dark and brooding ... 

I know where I like the sting to go ... 

in realisation

up and down lanes 

along trails, with views a plenty in the summer of drizzle ... a little tanned, on skin not used to light for a while, the long start to hone the tone for a supple life in movement. The time on from the rust and dust of those who forgot us ... my daughter who too is swimming and cycling with the freedom in a movement of life without the complex forgotten needs ... that we both can at long last now have ... at a cost to us beyond words ...

What May bring ...

Shades and shadows within.

Tides turn in 

a distant beat.

Thy absent heat

where cold resides 

the love that was to die 

Friday in Difference

here there and everywhere 

Though the thoughts walking along a Cornish Lane are interrupted by others greeting you. The difference in areas within a country. I ate welsh cakes bought in a city, on the way to the West Country. I am surrounded by the localities delicacies in different. My mind tis not there or here. The bottles of scrumpy. The saffron cake. The dialect. The accent. The grumpy driver. The rumpy men whose eyes are elsewhere. I am in a different county. My mind is still ticking over the needs of an environment more conducive and in place for functioning as I am here, is there. 

A very surreal time ...

Dog-rose

while I was out ... sometimes that is the case ... I went and sat in the rec ... I proceeded in attempts to notice the hedgerows ...  

I was rewarded with the various colourful arrays of the wildflowers this time of year. 

I struggled with my concentration. And attempted to occupy my far away mind, by taking my requisite photos. This to remind me of this town, where I spent some of my time in early widow hood, after time here as a family. 

Where most take it for granted with being outside. I am seeing my pictorial progress in these days out. 

My meadows, dales, copses, woods, forests, parkland, river trails, tracks, fields, footpaths, cliffs, getting lost, with the various activities we did in the Guide movement. The walks with an Auntie in Devon and other various relatives in varied scapes over the years 

Playing in the rock pools and sand dunes. The chalk downs in my birth county. And all those games we played. All revisited in working within the home. 

And again more recently all the above and moor. The many and varied terrain visited already post crisis. I have even played table tennis badminton and more ... 

And plans for a six mile walk. The trips in the planning with our daughter to new far away places ... 

Appointment rooms

here are not so cosy as some, and better than others

After the way hubby died, I now detest them ...

Sacrifices in the making

... now a time to ease the mind. The impact of time past hard. There is more to come. For now time out ...  

In time

a maze of flickering light ... 

a movement from a shadow

a view in little less bright

a heap of fine in line of sight

a time where there was no fight 

The passage incline,

the mountains ascended, 

the home tended, 

thy now intended, 

 broken heart mended, 

no one depended, 

me myself and thine, 

none to decline, 

when out of  ine, 

stunning in passed, 

this not last, in thy blast. 

A lot in tandem

this week ...

A lot of new things happening besides inside the home of change. The life outside to change, too. And new things to deal with. This is an interesting juncture in time. New homes. New journeys. New deeds. A operation or two to improve the quality of movement in an hand and foot. And time spent with kin to say a final goodbye. And a hello, I hope to new walks a few while my sister recuperates. Along with a bit of another busmans break ... 

But first to get my head around new websites in furthering my application process ... I started in dribs and drabs to self ease the newness in life of continuing change here and elsewhere ... 

today the messy mind

of a good kind

from photos I find

lain in dust and dark.

The music restored too
leaving its mark,
while I embark
in life anew, with more a spark..

The ease a tad back in

this life...

I was a little overwhelmed today. The functions that have appeared even more this last month alone, enhances the improvements of a mind too. 

That that so was lost on those officials, over that festive period, past ... 

One December day, a PM, a roof over the head to organise, a funeral, a three month wait ... a four day clear, a seven month wait ... 

A flood or few, finances taking a year plus to settle. 

A thumb injury out and about ... a very bad fall ... several others including ending up in the lap of a stranger ... another property stuffed to the rafters to gut ... a dying Dad ... several deaths later ...

... many lapses in the care from a multi agency meeting in the Autumn, before the Winter Day that was to change my life ... 

... later  ... 

... A much more of a life style change in progress finally ....

There are days

And then there are days.

creaking in the halls,

echoes in the calls,

dreams in those echoes,

at the end ...  a shadowy corridor, 

a tunnel ... a bridge or a funnel?

upside down in a frown

crystal clear in muddy brown 

My tunnel vision

of which I stepped out of today ... unfortunately despite a productive day ... I was still unable to settle to the night routine ... It is of a struggle post silver wedding anniversary  ... 

Acceptance still needs to happen for those still firsts ... The many milestones and plans one has when life is cut short a little prematurely 

Out of sync time schedules ...

... Beating bleating and repeating ...

The process of matter in mind ,,,

And all the words jiggling to be heard ... In rhyme and my nonsensical mouthful of mutterings ... all a while I go about this life different to most 

There is Spring cleaning and decorating and there is my version .... 

... Immersed in Mind ...

... And music ...over all that does not matter 

I anticipate more challenges in tasks to tackle 

The intrigue from my sister in how my in laws ashes are scattered ... lavender ice cream and catching and trying to keep up with my life here 

Lost time with family and friends in that time fatal too ... 

We have just merged back into life that we do ... Everyone is more mellow 

My daughter has always been in receprication of that unconditional love 

Before the mediation made my mood mellow .. She witnessed my well known p*** off moments to those that were awful ... she was as always laid back about the way I was in those very early months when I was at my worst ... 

In mind last night ...

who be more scared ... in the dead of night 

the ghost of trespass 

or me ...???? 

the classic combination

of dark and wicked
wit, in tees days since
I was left a wince
in skin a tight
and with no more fight
on a dead hubby sight
who would understand my plight

a variety of countries through

Tis interesting times without you

Canada America, Brazil and Argentina too

Mexico. Australia, China in twos

Russia , Egypt, Philippines, Nigeria

Iraq, Syria and India ... 

Too many European ones viewed

to name in single ... more than a few

Appreciating in the flow 

of those I will never know... 

In the night, with delight

some more space in sight
a long time in tight
but as of this night
the long haul in might
will see another bit more light

Mind in mess ...

... A slow seep through the home today ... the frustration took hold of me today ... I reined it in ... these can be dangerous times ...

... I have given up talking about it ... 

I understand why we withdraw and none can reach 

Streamlined in the rooms

... at least in the devices I am spoilt with

I have been in all; except that room 

I put down my tablet in the kitchen and proceeded into the other steamy room, where I picked up my waterproof device to finish what I started elsewhere with my loves ...

All those now gone

in a lifetime thus far ...

like a tapestry weaving in and out of life; leaving an overall picture embedded in colour fading in time with a wisp of all that was especially cherished 

All or nothing

in life a swing
transcending beyond
any comprehension

Meditation ...

has been my saviour ... I do not talk about it ... I just do it ... One needs to process 

and then of course when you have a zillion respondents needing attention on the  immediate aftermath of a crisis it gets misconstrued with avoidance ... withdrawal etc etc etc 

How did people think I survived

Anger is natural ... It does not solve anything 

I was attempting to forgive and not be bitter 

Bitterness erodes the soul 

That I and my family did not want to see 

That was the hardest of my life journey 

I was grieving too ... that did get forgotten 

respect for individual needs in dire  moments are very important fot the future outcomes of ones being 

The Extremes of mood

... And all in between ... 

The serenity and peace in my most troubled thoughts 

It is the opposite of what the majority say about the worst time of day 

I travel in my dreamscape 

when the nightmares are kept at bay 

especially when no one hears my say 

what happens here helps the day 

In earth of thy thinking

In the  many moments in restoring a life lost, I have had many many moments in what am I and what on earth was I thinking ... 

I am puzzled, bemused by thy actions in the immediate post crisis months ... 

I should perhaps have been allowed to go on a retreat to give my mind some space and time ...I would then not be clearing from that time too ... 

task by task in hand ...

with tips and hints from eyes in from those eyes out ...

By the time my daughter returns again we have set a manageable goal ... I had started being ruthless earlier in the year ...  It is difficult to focus in the right manner ...,

We have come up with plans reviewed ... after the latest death to keep me on track during low moods ... 

My Mum is already getting feedback from those who know me ... My sister looking at ways a while back to shift me from here to there with minimum upheaval and fuss to myself ... 

And of course the young ones ... and the wider family' suggestions ... 

Pulling pushing and heaving ...

and for once in the physical sense these last few weeks since the death of my mother in law ... our last conversation in the forefront of all we went through ... 

The determination not to be the third victim of consequences that gets scoffed at ... 

In removing tragic moments lingering in the echoes of time and clutter ...

The thoughts of how easy it would be in those early days ... still unprintable.. 

A Chill Running Down ...

my spine ...

life so alternating again ...

one in one ...

Action plans on bathroom or kitchen ... Mood dependant ...

The were so many different strands of life represented at the funeral of my mother in law ...

The impact to rethink yet again from corner to corner of my home to remove and be free ... 

Royal Festival Hall in London ...

... I attended performances here on my own, as well as with others ... 

In the East End travelled, a medieval banquet just a touch of the experience here  ... the opportunities  to meals in restaurants of all spectrums ... the gifts showered from a time in usual ... 

The trip on the River Thames ... A canal ... Museums various again on my own or with others seeing as several were on my doorstep for a time ... And so many to choose from ... 

Round and round up and down in various homes from modest to grand ... Time in those parks green and by the Serpent ... to name but a few ... 

Memories thrown up in the last weeks in travelling the outer skirts of our city ... Seeing the new city scape not seen in a while ... 

I happen to live near still ... for now .. 

A Montage Of life

and death

A beautiful day with me and myself ... Again ...

It is lovely ... No one to slow me down ... interrupt ... or ... spoil the mood ... 

My thoughts are ...

swinging  widely ... 

It helps to keep the mind off the impending time of yet another close funeral to plan and work through and attend  ... It can all be too absorbing on ones mind ... 

Time out for things that keep me more in tune with happiness rather than the perpetual sadness of intense loss and grieving process one after the other after the other ...

... and the grief of so much change all at once ... 

A Friday A Monday

In the latter end of a very long month of April this year

And the week between ...

Keeping the mind from every which way ...using those artistic skills still in a persona poem composed for a dear deceased mother in law 

And no doubt a beautiful eulogy from her grand daughter and everything else in the personal hymns music readings and more ... 

Into a bespoke Order of Service ... 

awoken a bit wobbly ...

hardly surprising with the death of my husbands Mum ...

and daughter feeling it that her Dad is not here to assist in the memories we cannot fill ...

My role at these times are inadequate ... she had always seen us ... as together ... now there is a part missing to her ... 

Fluctuations ... Finally ...

for in those studies now ended with lack of understanding which happens ... Too many times and ways unfortunately ... In our lives ... here we go again ... 

For the better in other areas in life ... I now have more hands on decks again with this extra time daughter now has in life again ... in moving things North, South, East and a West  .... And out of my space .... to others instead via the various ways we are working through it all ... 

Finally some fruitful times in this fluctuating times for a functioning life to appear again and spew forth that is so dormant presently ....

Time and Task ... Pics Prose and Music ...

Again to celebrate a life ...

This time a beautiful Mum in law ... 

Who lit up this county ... long after everyone disappeared in our life adjustment ... 

Those who came and went in too many short bursts ... 

For both of us whose world became small for a while ... 

At least we had each other across those miles that were difficult for us both ... And with so much for me alone difficult to get to see at periods of loss and scars so deep 

No one fully understood all my predicaments and the loss of setting up home together had things been so different ... ? 

Mind a mess

This not a test 

Nor time to rest 

A time to move

Along a crooked groove

To do the now 

Among those troughs

To time as fields so ploughed 

A Sudden death ...

A waterfall cascade down the walls from the home above ... On the eve of getting away from the clutter of life abnormal ...

On arriving in a town in Cornwall ... Not long on arriving ... a doctors appointment ... 

During the time away ... A loved one admitted to hospital not to get back outside again after a sudden short illness before passing away just after Easter ...

Those bedside visits and time in virtual ... Our first ... of those precious last byes by modern media ... 

And this a tiny part of a long month of time since I last logged ... 

All is calm for now

A peaceful weekend. Just the tonic to restore the inner calm. It has fluncuated. 

I hope I have left enough time. My sister amused at the repetition. This is what it is like to function as the world sees fit. 

It looks I have to do it my way and whatever happens ... will be. 

The Mind like a sieve today ...

forgetful and I pleased with my writings from this ... musical instruments and titles and words playing hide and seek today ... all interesting though. I am trying to keep a focus ... using the weekend of non office hours to my advantage. 

I am hoping to get the main preparations well under way for the travels. This allows for stressful times. I can then get out and do the charity runs in peace without the struggle of juggling too many things at once and get overwhelmed that I do not function.  

It also enables a more cleared schedule to take out small tasks to sort into keep chuck or recycle... Until I depart ... 

the workings of a mind ...

the uniqueness of and spectrum of life I have witnessed and experienced .. a reason tor this ... 

working with the young and the mature, the frail and those unable to do ...  but can ... then time out for my own kids or as it happened ... what happened ... becoming a carer and now currently the cared for ... or for three months on me own ...

My writings still coming through ...

a little jaded today in some words ... but attempted with troublesome moments, good moments and with the beautiful blooms within the home from the weekend. And mine blooming elsewhere, in the country. 

I cannot really ask for more at present. Yes, I have as ever been cross at times, recalling the way hubby was left at end of life. The mood kept buoyant knowing an outcome will come one day if not from the current way .. the other way kept in mind ... for the result that may or may not come from those who are a law unto themselves ...

As Ever All Over The Place ...

but productive and good either way ... a day relaxing despite a spell of dizziness over the week end and those new moments of ills 

... fresh food ... fresh air ... fresh start ... get so much more of ... once I am out of this not so conducive environment ...

March Mothering Day
All remembered
2016

One and Another ...

Time and conflicts ... Walls ... mould ... stale air still ... health will be the key in the future from this time ... and this is just the beginning ... 

focus on the positive ... reminders still supported by the one stable always there sibling ... that is not fair on her ... nor me ... but who else is there to care ... the others are paid ... 

And then some ... only so much with time constraints. training and targets and red tape and too busy with so much and hardly time to breathe themselves ... 

The conflicts in a mind muddled and overwhelmed and no one to turn to ... as life is busy busy busy ... that stopping is listen, look and see and beyond is difficult for anyone ... 

Another Day of a Mood Pendulum ...

One minute happy as a lark ... the next angry as hell ... on the whole thankful to have such love in my world and although those that are far away, are near. I am wrapped in love, literally. A cardi my sister gave. I am finally wearing more of a variety of outfits and keeping them cleaned. And tomorrow I am deciding on whether to colour my hair or not. Or let the natural grey highlights get styled into my shortly new hairdo. 

I am starting to think about myself. I have my make up too, the basics. I am starting the way back to my colours and styles that we naturally evolve through, only that did go by the way for a while. I can even remember when I last more make up, on Graduation day. Every time I restore myself, our daughter can't but help but stare.

In fact, the last time she saw me I was back in black, but I did wear my red lace top. On that she as usual made a remark. All is noticed. It will be good when it is just as was. And it was different black. I cannot be thinking about colour and clothes. It is easier to slip something comfortable on without too much thought. I have had to think more recently being between dress sizes in some styling of dress, with the unnecessary weight slowly fading away.

My moods have swung off the charts this week ...

Happy on a few days that I treated myself to time and taste in one steamy room. I do use the oven more so less steam in this kitchen ... A technique to lessen condensation, kept under control, which was ruined by those times ... 

We had a special weekend which for me extended onto leap year day Monday too 

Another few hours of such low, at another time, meant I decided to take time out and pamper myself in the other steamy room of the home. 

I am not the only one in low mood. My mum in law is not in the best spirits with being unwell herself recently. I am hoping to get to see her again, next week. She is taken out to a Sunday service most weeks. If well enough to go this week, she will get the usual posy of daffs. This Mothers Day. 

It is good the days are getting longer, although I am not good travelling ... Let alone evenings and weekends. If public transport was a bit more frequent and reliable ... I would feel less lost ... 

Kick Start ... This Mind Today ...

it really is hurting ... not the head ache hurt or ache or crashing pain or throbbing or thumping ... the inner inner turmoil ... 

A few of my favourite things today ... I will see if that eases it ...

it Makes You Think ....

or not ...

Life is different for all. Not a living soul knows my end intentions. Once this end goal is achieved, and I am free of life restraints, I hope to achieve my ambition. I have always found the less you talk about things, the more likely it will happen. 

Another concept not understood. That is why I attempted to reach out, several times last year. Unfortunately it is generalized. No one knows how close I came to this end life. It was fortunate, that I came back from Cornwall, this time last year. I knew it was not taken seriously. Nothing really was put in place. 

I was on top of the world. It was the place for end. Fortunately my guardian angel was looking out. Lots and lots of white feathers, in those low, low moments, too. And still is. The last time too. 

I am looking forward to doing those plans one day to help others. And be free of my own constraints... The invisible ones as well ...

The Focus Away from All That surrounds

My head in the cloud and literally ... I am seeking resolutions on all things devicey. My favourite bits and bobs with what is available from the access I have. I have been with the high end of tech, only cos my sister is known for being the device queen and is on a different level in that aspect. She likes the new, as soon as it comes out. I am happy if it works well for what you have. And wait for the flaws to iron out and come down in price. 

As time moves on she still likes to make sure I am Ok, but knows I am striving to regain my own ways again. I am known in the hub of family life for being creative and less money oriented in life  than others ... Like my Dad, why waste things if it is still has life left in it ...

I have also been trying to focus on other reading and research ... 

My Mind Moods ...

have certainly travelled through the emotions of life, this weekend. It is especially poignant with yet another first coming up, with the extra day this leap year ... The day in a life now part gone, when a life changing decision was asked and made ... One engagement day. The only one, we both had. 

It will be marked quietly. Like a fellow cousin who too lost her husband, two years ago. She too, marks their special times, quietly. One of the things lying in Dad's office on his desk, I noticed just after he died was of the order of service of his funeral ...

In The Last Ten Days ...

my mind has taken a battering ... Thinking of solutions to storage to restoring clocks reuniting with CDs DVDs and with so much more not written about too ... 

Celebrations...Candles...and Cakes 

I have enjoyed the areas that have been cleared again. I have listened to the CDs in a new format in a more versatile way that had fallen silent for a while. My wish of versatility and multi function simplicity this home strives for now ...

My time table is out of sync ... no matter ... The visual impact of moments spent arduously is the reward to help me through the upside downess in this once busy home ... And it is starting to come alive again with a renewed life ... 

The fact too is I have some celebrating to do in a special wedding anniversary year in a leap year too ... with our daughter who will be celebrating her birthday and much more ... Besides 

Time for celebrations, candles and a bit of cake ... 

I think my turn of phrase is suffering again ...

sometimes when I revisit my posts ... I can see when I am more lucid than others ... This is part of this process ... My mind is struggling and pulling with myself through the triggers of both good and bad and the terrible memories ...

And I am trying to multi- task. I am being careful in not leaving the bathroom, when running a bath. My mind is all over the place and settling to task in time and not be in too many areas at once. I have more ideas than I can get done ... 

It is keeping the daily functions in order while dealing with the past ... again so overlooked in this topsy turvy home ... and working steadily in these and through these ideas ...