My Mind Moods ...

have certainly travelled through the emotions of life, this weekend. It is especially poignant with yet another first coming up, with the extra day this leap year ... The day in a life now part gone, when a life changing decision was asked and made ... One engagement day. The only one, we both had. 

It will be marked quietly. Like a fellow cousin who too lost her husband, two years ago. She too, marks their special times, quietly. One of the things lying in Dad's office on his desk, I noticed just after he died was of the order of service of his funeral ...

In The Last Ten Days ...

my mind has taken a battering ... Thinking of solutions to storage to restoring clocks reuniting with CDs DVDs and with so much more not written about too ... 

Celebrations...Candles...and Cakes 

I have enjoyed the areas that have been cleared again. I have listened to the CDs in a new format in a more versatile way that had fallen silent for a while. My wish of versatility and multi function simplicity this home strives for now ...

My time table is out of sync ... no matter ... The visual impact of moments spent arduously is the reward to help me through the upside downess in this once busy home ... And it is starting to come alive again with a renewed life ... 

The fact too is I have some celebrating to do in a special wedding anniversary year in a leap year too ... with our daughter who will be celebrating her birthday and much more ... Besides 

Time for celebrations, candles and a bit of cake ... 

I think my turn of phrase is suffering again ...

sometimes when I revisit my posts ... I can see when I am more lucid than others ... This is part of this process ... My mind is struggling and pulling with myself through the triggers of both good and bad and the terrible memories ...

And I am trying to multi- task. I am being careful in not leaving the bathroom, when running a bath. My mind is all over the place and settling to task in time and not be in too many areas at once. I have more ideas than I can get done ... 

It is keeping the daily functions in order while dealing with the past ... again so overlooked in this topsy turvy home ... and working steadily in these and through these ideas ...

Intrigued still; in things ..

in this overwhelming time ... like the long, long goods train trundling along in the distance what seems like forever, as I write this. One of the last times we saw a goods train passing through, it was carrying many, many Ford Focus's. That and the Orient Express. Then no more. 

It is strange how some memories are crystal clear; while others are misty and I am unable to remember. While I am busy with the home ... the thought's too intrigue me of a vocation and how I keep coming back to the same several options. I have been all over the place with that. I wonder if I am ever capable of a diverse and interesting life without forgetting the basic functions in doing so. After that enclosure of time away from people for too long ... 

Music Memory Lane ...

music is very evocative ... I have certainly travelled that path this last weekend in re-visiting our music collection ... ever since our grandparents time, music has evolved ... making us part with money, time and again if we fall in the trap ... And now time in importing some of the music collection ... 

In the early days of loss my daughter took time out of uni, to enable us to spend time together, a little way down the line when her grief began to hit her ... this was a very close time together ... a bittersweet time ... it took me back to those times when your child wanted to be with you all snuggled up ... she was at the age at the time of loss, when usually they are off out in the world, now doing their own thing .... 

During this time she imported a selection of music too ... she selected a lovely arrangement that she was able to share and play, while we were at the temporary accommodation ... during that time to while away special moments in that sad time ... to start the different processes we had to deal with ...

Progress in the Mess ...

looking to a day of some more pleasurable time in this home of home ... I knew from my recent break away from here  ... I would get absorbed restoring order back ... to get to the end destination ... and while I take the scenic route ... I am making the most of the spring clean mode, that once kicked in like an inbuilt clock ... 

There is much to keep me occupied in that empty space that now occupies this home; like many who adapt to life without a spouse at the same time as an empty nest ... in these atypical circumstances or not ...

Ironically I am known for detesting a mess ...

... In knowing this ... my sister's support is paramount through this time ... while the home is even more messier in this process ... it was rather like the shoe section of a superstore before they had the sense to tie shoes together, or after a rummage in a sale or a jumble sale ... tossing things into makeshift areas ... trying to maintain a system ... my mind working faster than my body ... 

The trouble I have at the moment ... is my spring cleaning mode kicks in now ... this is the first time since all that happened in our life ... it is what I rather be doing  ... 

All I want to do is wash down, stash bust and change the decor ... It is frustrating ... but a lot better than this time last year ... 

Working Around the Kitchen ...

is different ... I had to start in some areas from scratch again ... On taking more time in the kitchen with the items that I now have. It reminds me of everyone close to us ... My cousin who gave a welcome back home gift is in use daily, so that every time I make a cup of tea, I would be thinking of her ... All those little thoughtful gifts of love enwrapping my new life is comforting ... When a cup of herbal tea is sometimes needed in my dire moments ... It reminds me of all those who may be far ...  are actually near ...

Time Out ...

to get out and about too ... will hopefully help ... 

I have settled into the day ... the warmth of family and friends who are there to care ... although not here but far ... soothes the spirit ... my cousins and the wider family of his many siblings ... many prayers, love and emotional support too even though they have now moved from the area ... getting used to social media very limited mind still ...to keep in touch with other cousins ...  being able to wish one some birthday greetings for the first time using this medium. I am still not up to speed on a lot ... but having a go ... February is a busy month for birthdays in all maternal and paternal of all the strands of family ...  so it is good I was able to be with this world that I so lost touch with for a while ... with those that I am currently in contact with ... 

The fact of a large wider family means the communications of the family are easier from this ... although for me still very patchy ... 

Overwhelmness Into Order and Ongoing Times and Thoughts ...

to Action in adapting to Adjustments ...

With a little help from family ... today is very much keeping the functions of daily life alongside the  ongoing clearance of a troubled life  ... Milk is low ... The refuse and recycle needs to be kept in pace alongside the charity runs etc etc etc 

Also for about a week to ten days...  I cannot quite  remember at the moment ... I requested every other day calls from my sister to give her a rest from me ... I know that burden ... Myself ... 

My mind is foggy at these times ... Sometimes I need just some peace from the world ... Only I need to tread with care, for I prefer it there ... I need to mix with life ... to keep well ... It is getting the balance right ...

For I am not understood by those whose job it is to keep us safe ,,,