The more reason

in my distress today ... a build up of much in time, in time, in time upon time. The fact that you work harder when you are ill. The keeping on top of simple functions and moving into what ever is normal 

The fact in fact of not being disturbed at times to do distressing stuff ... The way I have so much retorts in my simple gestures of stating difficulties never quite always understood... 

I understand their time constraints and workloads and not getting it at times ... it just be good to have the package of care that was supposed to happen with a ***** at ****** that was finally put in place too late ... and did not continue ...

It is something I am now going to get in motion ... I have been patient too too long ... 

The clear in the

night ... a time in tome

The volume in which I havin much to debate and decide

Time a ticking ... 

In this vast swathes of conflicts that muscled in life from death 

well into November ...

loads a birthdays, my own little country to city to Kent shindig ... spilling into today ... the treats go further with the one ... and a personal remembrance of Mum's elder sister who'd we spent a lot of time with, living across the border in North DEVON... 

It was here we loved too, Appledore, Northam, Bideford, Barnstaple, Clovelly were just some of the places spent on time out. 

.... her funeral taking place with the advent candles adorning the service .... she passed the same year my father in law and a god father and a Canadian Auntie who all it was time to say farewell ... one after t'other, two of whom which we travelled to say goodbye for the final time .... in the year 2001 ... 

... three out of four was to pesky cancer ...

                                             ...we have said a lot of them final goodbyes

And a tiny piece of

a complex puzzle getting slowly in place with part of those Resumes one needs to announce how good one is, completed ... I still cannot believe I have all those forms and CVs ready for an informal interview ...

It started informally last year with a introduction to various tasters. I will probably have a look at the training days for next year again to fill in more gaps in making use of those opportunities that are around ... one of them being in customer services from our feed back last year ... 

And the more formal exams ... giving me a boost I might just be able to do things again .. when I have me doubts ? 

I might even attempt furthering the informal first aid to a certified one or accredited I still getting my head round all the terms. I found it difficult though with lack of strength last year. 

The complex intermix

of the complexities I lived with, not studied. The irony in a path only I know. The layman living on observations. The specialist knowledge lacking. The common sense kicked in. It takes years to specialise, and gain respect in standing. The ones who juggle private with NHS. The cost of this bit of info or paper. And some who do much in the other hours. Those who do actually give their resources are there, somewhere. And some who are also serial killers in practice within the community, or pretend to qualify, in the days of less rigorous requirement... 

I have looked at much. I will not find answers. Not everything is believable. The hope of those who quietly in their vocations seek innovative ways within their role, are the ones I will always appreciate. Those that get the care in the community by those dedicated to their speciality and evolving ways in making it improve for those encased in much and different, what I experienced first hand. 

The way I seek and strive with the responsibility these positions hold. I am still in conflict with. Do I want to know these fields and assist others in their innovations. Or go in a different direction ... completely....? 

And no matter what is said. You do get seen quicker with luxury, in this industry of work. My husband too witnessed much with staff conversations in care, that which I cannot go into, and that on a different level more recently. My mum has the same degenerative disease as my sister in the bones. Who has had all the recent many joint ops? Another one forthcoming at Christmas. An observation from not just me! And it is not just the age thing.... or the performance rating time boundaries either ... 

Thy journey

far where the mind went ... 

The laughter, escapades, triggers, exasperation. The images captured in flicking through for a screenshot of a form to submit in attachment to get the required assistance ... stunning in looking back. This reminds me I can achieve in those times of doubts and reflections that do shine back good in bad ... 

A Road not

travelled awhile. Those pictorial journals in recovery. The periodic I cannot quite believe what I have been able to experience again. Those especially in first awhile moments. 

The tech to simplify in simplicity in the catch up of those images. The beauty of the sea green scapes or a rubble of concrete buildings. It has been a joy to capture. The sensational feelings in seeing them over and over. It is more than the wow factor ... 

The images in close up too. The summer greens or arid brown. The tulips or bluebells. Or a bed of summer flowers. The Autumnal golds.The silver winter mists. The unexpected shots. And the ones in my Mindscape never captured in still or move in sound... 

The sunsets, the stars that are hard to see with the urban orange glow. The moon in wonder and awe in the misty inky clouds... 

Where did I go in that time away from such life? 

A recipe in mixture

and the fresh ingredients required. A system in time formulating. A CV to polish off. The clutter to sweep away in the space to bake. The sensible order in which to do it all. 

The much needed slow rest in this morning. A pick me up. A little shopping. A little clearing. A little baking. A little paperwork. A little big bath. An evening cosied up with treats and a good programme to transport and be elsewhere for a few hours. 

Who says we are lonely in loss. I have plenty to keep occupied. The flip of the coin. Compulsive hoards in too much. The mind can overload ... in the occupy ... 

The conflicts and misrepresentation of how one copes ... beyond grief .. the few in the know who do know how busy I keep ... when and where I can ... in this muddle ...